Guduts of the Old Republic
by Kendoka Girl
Summary: This is a parody of the game written in Pidgen English from Hawaii. A gudut is like a flunky or a gofer. The Exile story is sort of a Grease spin.
1. Junior Boy, da scrub

Alice and I wrote this weird story. You probably have had to have lived in Hawaii to understand it as it's written in 'Pidgen'. I grew up with it and Alice learned it in grade school and grad school. She pretty good fora haole.

**Guduts of the Old Republic**

A Star Wars Pidgen Parody – You probably have to be from Hawaii fo get um.

One long time ago, befo had one high maka maka emperor, da old kine Republic stay buss up. Bruddah Malak, da no good fo nuttin boy from high maka maka Revan, lets his gang scrap wid da Republic.

Malak wen smoke anybody who wen try stop him…even dem Jedi mokes, plus plenny wen try fo be his scrubs too.

Way high above da hood of Taris, the Jedi throw blows wid Malak fo shut him down….

BOOM

"Whoa, wat dat noise?" said Junior Boy, rousing from a sound sleep. "Whea I stay? How come I only get BBD's?"

"Brah, how you can sleep through dis noise? You deaf or wat?" yelled Ulgo Trask.

Together, they rushed down the hall, taking out the blalas in their way. Trask waved Junior Boy forward. "Our ship stay buss. We gotta get to Carth Onipa'a, he da supavisah of dis ship. An we gotta save Bastita, she go run the Sovereignty Movement."

"Ho, dis is sounding way to confusing fo me."

X x x x x

A big blala smashed Trask with a war club. Trask fell to the deck. "Junior Boy, I stay buss. Save yoself."

Junior boy wen run, leaving one brown trail until he found Carth. "Eh, you must be da man?"

"Yah why? Boddah you? Now get in da pod or I goin poun you like poi."

"Hookay boss, no get all hemajang," retorted Junior Boy. "So wat now?"

"We gotta find Bastita Honey Girl, the Jedi Wahine who goin save us all."

"As long as she one hottie, we go."

Carth shoved Junior Boy into the pod and they popped out of the dying ship, headed fo da hood.


	2. Guduts of the Old Republic Part II

Kay cuz, we get one noddah update. Mahalo plenny to Padawan Mage, Alan, and Allronix. Who should we send this to? We goin do KOTOR II, but Aunty Mahealani got to finish do schtory of Junior Boy firs.

**Guduts of the Old Republic – Part II**

Aunty Mahealani stood there at the door in her bright, floral muumuu. "Oh, so nice of you to drop by. Come in, come in. I go make something fo eat. Go sit, we talk story."

From the kitchen, she called back, "What you like, fry noodle, spam musubi? No worry, no worry. So, how you been? Oh, me? I been good. You like know what happened to Junior Boy? Oh, dat rascal. Kay, lemme see…."

"Well, firs off, Junior Boy wen rescue Bastita Honey Gurl and with his frens he wen fly around making trouble for everybody. But den, dat lolo (nut), Malak wen capture dem. Dey was going scrap, but Malak tol him, 'ey boy, you know you was Revan, ah?' Junior Boy wen cry, cry, saying, 'no way, wasn't me!' But Malak jus wen laugh."

"Dey wen run like mice, but dat Malak wen whoop Bastita one good one and make her turn to da dark side so she become one mean tita (tough chick). Finally, dey stay Malak's house at Waialua where dey going finish what dey started."

"Oh, Aunty, what happen den?" I asked.

"Ho, dis da bestest part. Malak had choke (a lot) braddahs at his house, but Junior Boy Revan wen buss all Malak's gang until he face down Bastita. 'No, Bastita, I love you plenny kine.' She wen give him stink eye (evil look) though. 'No Junior Boy, when you was Revan, you was da man, but now you jus one noddah punk. I goin karang your alas (hit you in the balls).' At first, Bastita wen poun Junior Boy Revan, but braddah wen sweet talk her and she broke down. 'Oh, Junior Boy Revan, jus shut up an kiss me, you baka (fool).'"

"Now was da time fo wen Junior Boy Revan could scrap Malak fo good. He go to Malak's room and dey stay fighting. Finally, Junior Boy wen false crack Malak and da buggah go down. 'Junior Boy, how come you made me make A (make an ass out of himself)? Now I stay buss.' Junior Boy look at him, dey use to be bestest friends back in small kid time. 'Malak, you wen do dis to yoself. No blame me, cuz.'"

"Den, Malak wen ma-ke (die) and Junior Boy Revan go back fo Bastita Honey Gurl, but da cops when show up and buss him. 'I nevah do nuttin!' he yelled."

"But da main cop, Moe Keala, pull da lightsabah off Junior Boy's belt. 'Eh, what dis? I get da murdah weapon right hea.' Den, Bastita jump on da cop's back. 'Dat my boyfren, he nevah do nuttin!'"

"Well, Junior Boy wen Halawa (prison), but we get one happy ending. He wen buss out and now stay wid Bastita Honey Gurl beyond da outah rim near Makaha. Now dey get fi kids on homestead land."

I looked up at Aunty as she brought a platter of food. "Oh, das one great schtory."

With a twinkle in her bright eyes, she added, "Go eat…eat plenny, you so skinny. Don worry, I get more schtory…next, I going tell you about da exile."


	3. Guduts II The Exile

**Guduts in Space**

The ship, _Black Mynah Bird,_ stay driffen in space, all buss up. Eenside (Inside), get one small kine droid, T3, who tink he one Rotweiler. Da droid cruise all ovah da ship, trying fo find stuffs fo fix da ship. He pass one ma-ke (dead) ole lady and den one beautiful kine wahine (woman), but haole. Da wahine was all buss up, almost ma-ke, but T3 wen stick her wid da probe fo fix her.

Bumbai (soon enough), T3 go make da ship better and fly da _Mynah Bird_ to da fall apart moon Paragus.

**Latahs (Some time in the future)**

Da kine swimming pool wen drain like one crack vase and da wahine get poured onto da floor. She wen wake up and only wearing BBDs. Da wahine was one malahini (not from around here), so she talk funny kine.

"Where am I? What am I doing here? Why am I wearing wet underwear?"

Kine embarrassed, da wahine wen put on one towel too and den she go fo check out why she stay on da moon.

In one noddah room, had one ma-ke ole lady. As da wahine wen pass, da ole lady get up, sceah (scare) da wahine half to death. "Oh, you frightened me so much," she wen cry.

"Ho, exile, you bettah get mo guts den dat, bumbai you goin get pounded like poi. I am Tutu (Grandma) Kreia. I goin show you how fo use da Force, but firs kine ting you bettah fo get some clothes. You no like run around jus in your BBDs – get some s'kebe (hard up) kine boys out dea."

Da Exile wen put her hands over herself. "Oh, I'm so embarrassed. I will go immediately. Thank you…uhh…Tutu Kreia."

"An one mo ting, you talk funny kine; you not from around heah, ah?"

Da Exile wen fo scrap wid choke (a lot of) droids but she foun she was tough kine and wen trash those buggahs. Bumbai, she wen come to da command center where had one jail.

Eeside one cell, stay one skinny kine guy, all sad kine until he see da Exile coming in her towel. "Ho, choice um. Aisoooss! So wat, get chance?" he yell, trying fo score.

Da Exile wen make funny face. "I beg your pardon, sir. Oh, you must be the s'kebe that Tutu Kreia mentioned. I'm Claire. Why are you in jail?"

"Eeeeh, you talk funny kine. I'm Atton Ragalan. Jail? Oh, you mean dissh jail? Wassh all one frame job, I nevah do nuttin. Da copssh wen put all da shtuffs in my coat. I wassh jus shopping."

Claire looked at the police report. "So, the authorities put a turkey down your pants?"

"Okay, okay, nevamind, jussh get me out. Everybody hea shtay lolo (crazy)."

She wen know bettah, but she let da buggah out. Now dey stay looking at da computah. Atton frown. "Aisoooss, da station goin essplood (explode). We gotta get to da ship."

Claire scratched her head beneath her platinum blonde hair and narrowed her blue eyes. "What have I gotten myself into?"


	4. Guduts II More Exile

Haole Gurl's notes: Ho cuz, mahalo plenny (Thanks everyone).

**Guduts in Space**

As da Exile wen fo go, Atton wen spahk (check out) her behind. "Aisooss, sweet okole (fine behind)."

She turned back. "I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"Nah nah nah…nuttin."

Den Claire wen down into da bowels of da mining station. Dere had mo hubut (angry) droids and dey stay shooting stuffs like poppin fiah crackah (fire crackers). Da Exile had hahd time fo scrap dese buggahs (a difficult battle), but she wen find one schmokin blastah.

Den she go fo shut down da reactah and something go wrong.

"Oi," Atton wen call on da commlink, "Whatchoo wen do? Now, da stay-cion (station), she goin blow mo quick."

Bumbai, da Exile come back to da command centah and Tutu Kreia meet dem deah. Tutu Kreia, she give Atton da stink eye to which Atton say, "I owe you money or wat?"

Now dey got fo get to dis Republic kine ship for get back to da _Mynah Bird_. On da way, dey find one buss up T3, da poor buggah stay had it (broken). Den, dey run into one noddah droid, but dis one look ugly.

"Howzit: Eh I was waiting jus fo you. You was s'pose to stay wen I stay comin fo you. How come you no stay wen I stay comin?"

Claire look confuzzled. "Uh, pardon me?"

"Small kine habut (a little upset): You talk funny kine. Now, bess you get back eeside da stasis, bumbai you goin get plenny pukas (a lot of holes)," da droid wen say, showing his blastah.

Claire nevah like go, so dey wen beef (they fought). Da droid spray plenny kine bolts, but Tutu Kreia smoke um wid da ions.

"Bummahs (Bummer): I stay had it. BOOM."

From dere, dey wen fo check out da Republic ship. Ho, da buggah was creepy and get choke dead bodies. Den had dese uji kine guys (creepy assassins) try fo sneak up, but Tutu Kreia wen know dey was coming and dey wen make does uji punks suck eggs.

Bumbai dey come to one doctah office and had one noddah supah uji guy. Da buggah look ma-ke, but he wen jump through da glass and cut off Tutu Kreia's hand like sashimi.

Da mean buggah was bolo head (bald) and he had one bad lightsabah. "I am Blala (tough dude) Sion. You folks all goin ma-ke."

Da Exile's hand wen get sore. "My connection with Tutu Kreia must have done this."

Sion shook his head. "Eh wahine, you talk funny kine."

Atton look at Blala Sion. "Aisoos, di bolo head man, she goin fo keel (kill) us."


	5. More Guduts

We aims ta make fun o lots o stuff. Alice, being a reformed Southern Belle, gave invaluable technical assistance on Southern speak.

**Guduts in Space**

Dey wen run from Blala Sion and fly da _Mynah Bird_ all da way to Telos, one noddah buss up planet.

"Dis one mo dry den Waianae," complained Tutu Kreia.

Firs ting, dey had fo help dese slug kine guys wid all da plants cause da Czerka Company was tryin fo take ovah all da biznass. "Dose guys, dey worse den da gas company," moaned da slug-like Ithorian, Chodo Habat.

"No huhu (worry), cuz, we goin fo help you," offered Atton.

"Yes, you have a noble cause," added the Exile.

But Tutu Kriea shake her head. "Eh, dese guys jus one bunch of freeloadahs like my nephew, Bulla. He stay Halawa (prison) now. No help dem, let um pound sand."

"I'm sorry, Tutu Kreia, I can't do that."

Bumbai dey meet wid da police too. Lieutenant Dol Grenn wen question dem about Peragus. "Eh, whatchoo guys wen do? I know was you!"

"Oh, no sir," said the Exile. "It wasn't us, we didn't do anything."

"Hah?"

Atton explained, "She sed we nevah do nuttin."

To prove their innocence, dey wen help da cop fo buss all kine crums and dey get da Czerka all hemajangs (messed up). But, you no poke on pit bull and nevah get bit, so, da Czerka come back and send their boys fo scrap wid da Exile.

Da Ithorian save one shuttle fo dem and dey run fo da surface of da planet. But, as dey stay flyin, one gun go smoke um and dey crash.

Auwe (Oh no!).

Da Exile wake up and stay one bolo head guy wid fangs on his head. "Whoa, who are you?"

Da man look at her. "Good fo see you, General, remembah me? Bao Dur, da friendly manapua man (guy who sells dumplings from a truck)."

From dere, dey wen buss up da Czerka and gets stuffs fo fix da ship and dey fly to da frozen ice. One mo time, dey get shot down.

"I have to break this streak of bad luck," complained Claire.

Bao Dur wen groan. "Oh, I even get da rabbit foot! Dis is junk!"

Bumbai dey crash and da mean kine droids try fo capcha (capture) da Exile. "Good fo know stuffs (Informative): Us guys stay hunting you foevahs now. Even if you kill us, plenny mo goin come."

And Claire did jus dat. POW. All da buggahs was had it.

Bumbai, she find one cave and plenny skinny haole chicks go capcha her. Wen she stay in one jail, one piss off wahine wid da white hair come.

"Ey, Exile, you get plenny kine nerve fo come back hea. You lucky I no broke yo okole (butt)."

"Atris, I just did what I thought was right. The Mandalorians would have conquered us all."

Atris look even mo piss off. "Mo worse, you talk funny kine. Now, get lost bumbai, garans ball barens (surely), I turn you into sashimi. But, last ting, I like you know I get your lightsabah."

"Hey, I earned that weapon!"

"Not! Stay mines now."

Bumbai, da Exile go back to da _Mynah Bird_ and dey bag (leave) Telos. But, one of da skinny kine chicks go fo stowaway. Dis one talk funny kine too.

"Howdy ya'll, I jus figrd I'd hop aboard and jine (join) ya'll," da Handmaiden wen say brightly.

"Ey, who you?" Atton wen ask.

"Wall, they calls me the Handmaiden. My brother from Jawjuh (Georgia) bard (borrowed) muh truck and ah needed a rod (ride)."

Claire looked at the motley group. "And you say _I_ talk funny kine."


	6. Guduts on Nar Shadaa

Brah, no get huhu. (upset). Just cruise um (relax).

**Guduts of the Old Republic II**

Den all da guduts wen Nar Shadaa, yet one noddah buss up planet. All kine guduts was dere, but dey wen meet some new kine peoples. One habut (angry) kine moke, named Ratrin Vhek come up and make loud kine to da Exile. "Eh, sistah, dat ship, da _Mynah Bird,_ stay mines!" (That's my ship, lady)

"Um, sir, I'm sure we can straighten this out," she replied, tryin fo calm him down. T3 jus wen stick um wid da tranquilizah and da mad buggah go moimoi (sleep).

"Wow, that was easy," da Exile wen say.

Den, dey go fo play cahds, Pazaak kine and da Exile go rake um ovah da coals (beat the other players). Even da small buggah, who look like one rat wen buss and da Exile clean house (won everything).

Bumbai, dey learn about da big slug, Vogga da Hutt, but fo get eenside, Claire wen had fo dress up like one Rock Za dancer (stripper). Atton's eyes wen get beeg. "Aisoos, you get di bambuchas (big ones)."

"Chill, you big gudut," she answered. "Just get me the Juma Juice."

Dey wen take Claire fo meet da Hutt and she dance like one skank until Vogga wen moimoi along wid da mutts dat was guarding him.

"Hey, I think this is a lightsaber crystal," she wen say as she stuff her baggies wid da goods.

Outside, she see Atton and da gangees. Atton get his eyes stuck on her chest. "Up here! My eyes are up here!"

"Aisoos! I canna help. Ey, now we get one nodda problem. Get peoples, dey stuck in da basement. Da mean kine gangees stay lock em up."

Tutu Kreia look futless. "Ey, not our problem. Dey can rot fo all I care."

"Ho, you one cold tita, ey? How bout I make you ma-ke?" Atton wen say, mad kine.

"I tol you befo, you was one foo. You jus making A at dis point."

The Exile look frustrated. "Enough, we're going to save those people. Who did you say they were again?"

In her skanky outfit, the Exile wen lead dem fo buss da Exhange. Da bruddah wid da squid face stay broke on da ground. "Oh, sistah, now you wen too fah. You piss off all da baddest mokes on da planet. Now you going get yours."

Atton wen cut off some of da buggah's face tentacles. "Ho, now iz time fo di tako poke! (octopus mixed with seaweed) Anybody stay hungry?"

The Handmaiden made one sour-kine face. "Ewwww."

Squidman expired and the Exile sighed. "Now it's time to hit the Jekk-Jekk Tar."

Atton made a confused face. "Hah? Wat dat? Sound funny kine."


End file.
